In the Darkest Pitch of Night
by Normal Flesh Guy
Summary: This is the story of a Minotaur. It is on par with Renaissance writing. Don't like, don't read. Still like? Don't read.
1. Initiation

Initiation

Salutations, I am Felicia son of Artemis, born and raised in the drainpipe of Olympus. When I was a young buffalo boy, I lost my mother's piano and she scorned me for 14 long years. After my imprisonment period, I oozed my way down to Percy Jackson's apartment. There I found Poseidon in the bathtub, and I washed his back so tenderly. I still dream of the hours I spent, scrubbing and stroking his curly, rough back hair. I remember the scent of the ocean brine bath salts which we used to cleanse our bodies. I remember the warm and soapy bubbles. It was truly a tribute to the gods.

After my commune with the Ocean Lord, I called for Percy. My singsong soprano floated from the window and traveled miles to the ear canal of the young Jackson.I had no idea what I was doing, my mouth was moving on it's own, but I felt the yearning to scrub Percy's back. Finally, he came. Using steel wool and Tide detergent, I spent sixteen hours scrubbing his back and hair, despite his screams and yelps, for I knew they were of joy. All scrubbed to the bone, I clenched Percy's back hair in my fists, and started to tightly weave the hair into a tiny basket. Thus I practiced for the underwater basket weaving club taught by the water nymphs.I finished my masterpiece and I thrusted my face into the hair, basking in my artwork.

"Thor almighty!" cried Percy, who was thirteen. And then he beat me with the soap. And I loved it.

His mother came in and wrapped us in sports jackets, and sprinkled Kraft Mac and Cheese powder over us. This became our initiation.

I reached into the depths of my heritage of Artemis and unlocked the Wilderness mode, and transformed into a half bull half man. The Bullboy. Howling like a humpback whale I got on my knees and begged Percy to take me to Camp Half-Blood. Pretty please with crackers.

We boarded the back of young Annabeth and rode to camp.


	2. Garbage garbage

As we rode the Annabeth, the god of Television, Barney (and Friends) lumbered out of the Canadian woods all the way to New York.

"Hi friends! Do you want some candy from my belly pocket?"

"Oh baby, yes please!" we cried in unison. Then Percy and I drowned ourselves in his belly pocket. Annabeth fell in too. But it was an illusion. We woke up trapped deep within the organs of Barney. For hours, we were in there, with no food or water. Without a choice, we traveled to to his stomach, gnawing on the chunks of fat the fell into the pit. It turns out Barney was not a god at all, but was actually the American Tartarus, with a bowl of full of jelly in his great big belly. Using the rakes Barney ate, they clawed their way up, tearing through the flesh and tissue until they finally popped out of his bellybutton, receiving a mouthful of belly lint.

As the reader vomited, Jackyboy (Percy, handsome prince), Bethygirl (Athena's blond cat child) and I, ran at the speed of humanism towards the Camp Halfbloodprince with only our dreams in hand. Annabeth had gotten tired so we switched places and I got to ride on my beloved Percy Prince. The wind in my hair, the wind in his back hair, I loved it. Every moment, I jotted down in my secret diary.

Suddenly out of the blue there was red! My mom drove up in a red corvette and said, "Hop on sugar rabbits, I'll take you to the moon!"

"Jiggaboo" we said, and climbed in.

Then she drove us to Camp Halfblood. The minotaur appeared, in Chiron's wheelchair, and wrecked us. Annabeth caught a cold. Percy's mother received thirteen fractures on her eyelid bones. Percywercykins was fine. And so was I.


	3. Bebbykins

Bebbykins

The harpy crowed from atop the male's bathroom. "Krascreeshkowa," she cried and so we cried. I awoke, finding myself in the attic, next to the Oracle's body.  
Suddenly, green smoke spewed out of the Oracle's mouth. Chiron poked his head in between the wrinkled lips.

"It's a prophecy!"

The oracle of Delphi said,

 _Wakey Wakey, Choclate Cakey_

 _..._

 _Bebbykins_

Charon said, "It means 7 heroes must kill Chiron, the boat guy who rows people across the Styx. You, Felicia, have been chosen. You are the destined bull of recreational shuffleboard, and you must choose 6 others to murder this rabbit." So I left the room.

The typing bear said: I fled from the attic, rejoicing my new chosen name: Bebbykins. I cried throughout the halls, "Bebbykins! Bebbykins! _That_ is my new name! No longer am I fettered with the name "the typing bear", I am Bebbykins!" I ran until I got stomach cramps and had to poop.

They were playing soccer and I was sitting in the third stall of the girls bathroom, when the door was violently torn open.

"Let's play capture the flag" said Clarissa, masculine Amazonian daughter of Ares.

 **white fungus balls**

It was nighttime and we gathered around the entrance to the woods. We heard the howling of the many monsters which lived in the woods like rabbits and deer, the bloody spawns of Hades.

"Ya gonna get shanked" said Romeo thug rabbit.

An exciting battle with the enticing prize. Chiron offered a fresh nunguin (mythical Greek monster of a penguin with a nun's head) on a popsicle stick. I wanted that nunguin, could feel the nunguin in my hands. Want the nunguin, be the nunguin. I ran towards the nearest Walmart and bought my furry fabric and my plain black and white linen. I went straight back to camp, towards the Arts & Crafts center, sprinting to the nearest sewing machine. _Rickita rackta, clickity clack_ the sewing machine went on, I had made the nunguin costume. In my new gear, I charged into battle, cooing like a nunguin to attract the beast.

Clarissa noticed my obtuse and ugly shape, and stabbed me violently with a spork.

 **Evil Babbit**

I woke up on a bed at the Big House, with a fever so high Annabeth cooked eggs on my sweating forehead.

"Did we win?" I whimpered.

"No." said Annabeth, mouth full of eggs.

Suddenly the room was filled with the presence of Mr. Krabbs.

"I touched the water and I was claimed a son of Poseidon". rejoiced he.

It struck me that Artemis had never publicly claimed me, and that I was no better than a stray dog, raving and bald. I wept a great many tears, which the young Annabeth turned into a fountain soda. I swung my injured body out bed and rolled through the wooden wall.

"MA LOI MA LOI WHO'S YA BOY" I howled to the moonlit sky.

The campers heard my angelic chorus and gathered to hear more. Suddenly Harry Potter, the truest messenger of Artemis, flew in from Britain on his magic broomstick and rammed it squarely in my spine, dislodging a disc.

"You are the son of Artemis" said Harry, taking off his glasses to wipe his tears.

"And I am your father."


	4. Sawdust In My Socks

"Break open the good wine and the good cheese and kill the fatted calf!" The party roared. They celebrated me, the first child of Artemis, half god, half man, half bull and half wizard. We gathered around the climbing wall and I drank the lava like cream. Mmm how tasty.

Suddenly Charon appeared in tight black leather body suit and wicked bat wings, at the top of the wall. He cried out, "You thought I was just a simple boat guy, but I am actually totally evil!" Then he stole Percy's pumpkin panties, and Percy was ashamed, his face as red as a chili pepper.

"Now you get down here Charon" said Annabeth. And with a shake of her magic bulldozer she mowed down the climbing wall, and Charon nearly died. But he had wings.

"Losers! You're all mash potatoes without gravy! Like one lonely pea in one disappointing pod! Two cats, and only 3 lives! Like Kanye West without Kanye! Fire with no heat! Eggs without the ketchup!" scoffed Charon. For he had escaped their clutches.

The entire camp was popped like a post-birthday pinata, and our spirits were deflated. We were helpless as Charon stole our credit cards and chips and flew off into the night, slurring cool insults and deflating our self-esteems.

"Ride after him!" shouted the campers. And then the camp flew into a wide scale panic, where many were injured from the stampede of pegasi.

"Wait", said Chiron "the prophecy! Only the Furious Five, the goose father, and the deadweight panda may go."

Naturally I was the panda. The goose father, Percywercykins. The Furious Five, Annabeth, Grover, Harry Potter, Romeo thug rabbit, and a balloon. Grover held the balloon. Pitying the balloon, I took a sharpie and drew a masculine face on it.


End file.
